There was a recent blog post I read, floating around on Facebook, about a mother with very valid points on why she didn’t need to be friends with any other moms. I totally get it. I won’t always mesh well with other mamas on a playdate, and some days I don’t want to feel obligated to make small talk at the crack of dawn when school starts. Whatever the reasons may be. But, as I was processing, and mostly agreeing, with the points for not wanting the excess relationships, I was also thinking about real life, right now, and how I am grateful to know the tribe of mamas I surround myself with on a daily basis. So I’m here to put in my two cents to prove that we sometimes really DO need mom friends!
ONE: Pregnancy
It’s crazy. Sometimes scary. Also uncomfortable.
For first-time moms, the changes and growth can be a long, daunting journey. Hopefully there are a lot of you reading who enjoyed being pregnant and getting to eat whatever you wanted and not gain double your body weight. Not everyone loves being pregnant. Do you think those mamas will be as open about telling you why?? Your mom friend will.
I have had that friend be there to explain certain changes or sympathize with the parts I didn’t enjoy. I’ve also been that friend for other soon-to-be moms too. The new-mom game is quite the puzzle and not everyone can put it all together alone. (If you’re a mom who’s figured it all out, put that secret in a bottle to sell and you’ll be an instant gazillionaire!) Maybe some of you reading are thinking ‘thank goodness for so-and-so, if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have made it through xyz.’
Just when you thought the hard part was over, in comes infancy. A whole new hurdle. If you have a partner who hasn’t given birth, will they ever fully understand the milking struggles when your newborn only wants to eat from one side? No. But your mom friend most likely has her own horror story, ready to go, to make light of your exhausted ranting. And she definitely isn’t judging you showing up to brunch, late again, with a cranky infant and the entire battalion of belongings they travel with. You know why? Because her cranky kid is sitting right there too whining and asking every three seconds when it will be time to leave.
TWO: Who else can you vent to?
Like really lay it all out there. I mean, confess that your kids had stale brownies for breakfast because you haven’t had time to make it to the grocery store in weeks—you’re all in survival mode at 7AM. And it is laundry day so they are wearing clothes from the bottom of the drawers that are a size too small. Mom friend. No judgement. She’s done it. And she will bring you over the coffee you’ve run out of to giggle with you about it. (Ok, maybe a little extreme for some, but hey, we’re all in survival mode over some things at one point or another.) A mom friend will understand your struggles, your fears, your thoughts about the school teachers, your hopes and goals for your babies. She may have the same ones. That mom friend will compare notes with yours, cheer your kid on, and listen when you need it the most.
Believe me when I say no one else will understand that millisecond of pure frustration more than your mom friend when you tell the story of how you were juggling ten things at once, so focused, almost finished with your tasks, and your child—no matter their age—comes right into the room, breaks your concentration, and demands you drop everything to go on a hunt for an invisible unicorn. BOOM. (That was your sanity combusting into confetti.)
Your mom friend will also know how extremely proud you feel when something the kids have been working hard to accomplish finally becomes achieved. Potty-training, sound recognition in speech, counting to 100, finishing the first chapter book in its entirety, etc. The list goes on. Your mom friend will totally celebrate those accomplishments with you!
THREE: Your kids can’t be your friends
In adulthood, go for it, but not while they still need guidance and support and discipline. It’s OK to be a strong and independent woman. You may even say you don’t need help from anyone with your fist high in the air and lit ciggy barely dangling from your bottom lip. I admire that fierce independence, truly.
But there is something to be said for having someone trusted to confide in when the world on your shoulders feels a little heavier. Especially if it is a concern over your children—their health, mental state, or plain worry for their future. It would be very taxing to have to talk about the world and how scary it is, even as an adult, to your little one who is looking up to you for that strength and protection and the answers that solve all the world’s problems. How shocked would they be if they found out parents don’t have the answers to everything? We would lose all our street cred in that instant. This simply cannot be.
We need that one friend. An ear and a shoulder to lean on. It could be your spouse or S.O., or that chatty gal from work. It could be your neighbor of 20 years who has done her time raising kids and is taking pleasure in watching you do the best that you can with yours. You know she has an answer and a home remedy for everything.
FOUR: The unexpected happens
Let’s say an illness diagnosis, for example. One that can be potentially deadly, filled with its own challenges, and the disease could care less if you have any obligations. I have a dear friend kicking cancer’s ass right now. She’s an amazing single mom, great at juggling a full-time job and raising a little spitfire. She doesn’t have a lot of helpful family members living close by and she’s so fiercely independent that it’s almost scary. Her daughter is the same age as mine. Going on this journey with her, even as an observer, has been such an emotional rollercoaster for me: constantly worrying if she’s in pain, her going above and beyond physically when she isn’t supposed to yet, or feeling all the feels about her daughter watching her mother go through all this. And this is just the beginning for them.
Suddenly, you’re faced with this long road of treatment and surgeries that require many days full of down time. And no driving. Or lifting. Restrictions that make a mom’s daily tasks almost impossible to accomplish. This mom friend has never been the type to ask for help, nor has she felt the need to keep her battle with breast cancer a secret. When us school moms found out about her diagnosis and surgery date, our first words immediately after digesting the news, were something like “How can we help?” “Do you need me for school drop off and pick up?” “What do you need?” “I’ll come over and do xyz.” The offers were very generous and supportive in as much a capacity as we were allowed. And still are.
As a mother, I could not even begin to imagine how emotional I would feel if my immediate future was so drastically adjusted. Who would brush my daughter’s hair in the morning if my husband wasn’t home and I couldn’t lift my arms? Who else could I ask to drive my daughter to school if I wasn’t able to be behind the wheel? I don’t have immediate family nearby either. Not even in the same region of the state. Would they remember to ask for the booster seat? Her lunch? Her homework? Another mother would. It’s a hardwired checklist most days added into the routine, even before coffee. I know, with certainty, if anything were to happen to me, or if by some chance I had to ask one of my fellow mamas for a favor involving my child, or anything I needed really, there would be no hesitation. And I am so grateful for that.
We need those mamas around. For our sanity. Or for much-needed advice. Especially for a friendship. We’re not all bad. We are bonded by this unpredictable ride called parenthood. My hope is that you find that one mom who gets you, and your crazy fun kids, because we do need each other. We need mom friends.
You nailed it! So many good points in this article. Absolutely love it <3