I have been so hesitant to write anything on this topic, even though it has become my new normal.
Hesitant because I have firsthand experienced feelings and emotions getting the best of me and in the moment, you don’t always express yourself in the most mature way or the way you would’ve liked to had you not been all worked up.
However, a year later it is time to finally come to terms with my new norm as a single, coparenting mom.
One year ago the father of my child moved out. We had spent the last year going back and forth: trying to make it work, not talking, spending family time, arguing, etc. In other words, it has been a year of chaos. Well, if I’m being completely truthful, most of our relationship has been that way. It has been five and a half years of unpredictable, anxiety-driven chaos. What was originally created and formed by love had turned so toxic and really unbearable for all everyone involved.
I’m not pointing blame. I am well aware that any relationship takes two, there is always a give and take. Ideally, it would always be a 50/50 give and take, but unfortunately that is not the reality of life. Sometimes you can only give 20 and you need your partner to give 80, and sometimes your partner can only give 30 and you have to muscle it up and come in with 70.
Like many other toxic relationships, there have been a million “I am done” and “we are really over this time” moments. We’re just now at the point of knowing being separated, as much as it hurts, is ultimately the best option for us to be the best parents we can be. But that is so much easier said than done. Being a good mom with a broken heart is the hardest thing I have ever done. And it is not something I have recovered from. It is something I struggle with every single day.
I so admire all of the women who have made it through to the other side of this and are living their best life. Or are at least living a life free of toxic people and relationships. I cannot wait to heal and grow. But that’s not today, I am not there yet, and that is okay.
The one thing that I have learned that keeps me going is to literally live one day at a time. As a mom and as a planner, that kills all my internal OCD voices. It’s like a knife to the gut, because we have swimming and tumbling and basketball and friends and all of that, on top of splitting the time between myself and my son’s dad. So when I sit here and think about all the plans we had as a family that are no longer our plans because there is no us, while trying to plan day to day life… you. just. can’t. You slow the growth and healing and everything that goes along with recovering from heartbreak while causing constant anxiety and sadness. Reminding myself to take it just wake up to bedtime one day at a time is key.
As much as I wish I had a happy ending or any answers for you in this process… I don’t. At least not yet. If you are going through something similar, my heart is with you and I pray for your strength. If someone you know if going through this, talk to them. Talking about it out loud makes it real, and definitely the process easier.
Thank you for this piece. Your honesty and ability to be raw with where you are in the process brought me to tears because I am right there with you.