I recently lost my dad. I am still trying to work around the reality of what this means for me. My dad’s passing was very sudden and very traumatic for my family. In just a few short weeks we had our whole world turned upside down. The transition has been hard. Especially so during this current state of affairs where so many people are having to say goodbye to their loved ones. Death is so sure for so many right now and this makes it easy for the topic to become fleeting. But for those of us going through it, it is certainly not.
For the children who sometimes don’t really understand what is happening, it’s easy to forget that they are experiencing the same things you are. Maybe not to the same degree, but they are still involved. I want to share some tips on how I’ve been able to help my children navigate this tragedy.
My dad was the best grandpa to my two girls. I heavily mourn the relationship my girls will never get to have with him. But, I also take comfort in knowing they got to meet him and experienced his love for as long as they did. One of the biggest challenges I faced right after was explaining to my girls what was really happening. It was not an easy conversation and I can remember not really telling them anything until days after. Whenever they would ask why mommy was sad. I would just say that I am sad because something happened to grandpa.
Naturally, this was not clear. Over time I was able to have more and more conversations with them about death and the grieving process.
- Be direct — I know we feel that we are protecting children’s innocence when we try to shield them from certain things. Things that we may deem life-altering or traumatizing. Though sometimes true, it’s also good for their emotional development to be able to understand what a traumatic event looks like. Understand the wave of emotions that are expected to come with it. Being direct puts an explanation to what you are feeling and will help them understand why you are upset. If your child is old enough to grasp the concept of death, then certainly use those words in your explanation. Do not be afraid to say, “grandpa/ma died” or “grandpa/ma is dead”. It may be hard for you to say it to them, but it is easier for their understanding. Be direct about what they can expect from the funeral planning process and from the service itself.
- Provide a source of comfort — This will go hand in hand with number one. Right after you have delivered the bad news to your children, you will want to help them manage this with a comforting narrative. For many, leaning into their faith during this process is extremely helpful. My family practices Christian beliefs. As such, we were assuring our daughters (more so my oldest as my youngest is only 3) that grandpa’s spirit was in a better place in heaven. That it’s just his physical body that will be buried in the ground. This was instrumental in her understanding as well as her acceptance. Help them to understand that death is a part of the life cycle and not something to harbor fear and anxiety about.
- Life continues — Admittedly this was extremely hard for me and I do not think I was effective in my communication. But that is the thing about grief. It is an ongoing process with trials and error and no definitive end date. So, I will always have more opportunities to get this point across. However, the idea is to help your children understand that while what happened was tragic and devastating. Unfortunately, life continues, and we must do our best to keep going. Luckily, my girls are so young, we have not had many issues with them dwelling. They do have moments where they remember something about their grandpa and they get sad. The moment usually passes quickly and then they are back to their usual happy selves.
- Keep the conversation going — This is especially crucial with young children. While this may seem like a contradiction to number 4, it is not. Being able to carry on with life after the death of a loved one is important. However, it’s vastly different from keeping said loved one’s memory alive. At first it was extremely hard for me to even look at a picture of my dad without sobbing. With time though, my emotions became a bit easier to manage and, on his birthday, we created a beautiful memorial in his honor. We talked about him as often as we can and having his picture visible in our home makes it easier for my kids. They may grow out memories of him one day. So keeping the conversation going means that even if they do one day forget their own memories with him, they will never forget who he was to our family.
- It will help with your grief — Lastly, talking to my kids about death and the grieving process has helped in more ways than I ever imagined. Being able to articulate certain feelings and emotions I was feeling in an attempt to help them was in fact very therapeutic for me as well. It helped me to process what I was going through by helping them to navigate it as well.
Sudden death and the subsequent grief that comes with it is never easy for any adult to manage, not to mention children with little understanding of life. Being committed to having those difficult conversations is key to making sure your entire family comes out of the experience intact.
