Today is my babies due date.
But instead of dealing with swollen ankles, sleepless nights and Braxton Hicks, I am distracting myself by playing with my sweet 3yr old girl. We are playing chase and climbing at the playground. I can do all of that because sadly I’m not 40 weeks pregnant.
I lost my 2nd baby at just 10 weeks. Strangely, the loss seems to be affecting me more now than it did at the time. When I see pregnant women who are nearly welcoming their beautiful babies, my heart silently breaks.
I made some new friends this year, after my miscarriage, who are also due with their babies soon and I find it hard to be around them right now. However, talking through my feelings with them and other friends really helps. Miscarriage is unfortunately so common, however it is still a subject that a lot of people find difficult to talk about – whether that is the person going through it, their partner or even their friends and family. People struggle to find the right words!
For me, talking about it really helped. I’m sharing my story in the hope that it will help someone else find the right words. We found out very early that there was something wrong – at a 9 week scan the baby was only
measuring 7 weeks. We were told to come back again a few days later for another scan, but I knew deep down then that something felt different than my last pregnancy. When I thought about it, all those early symptoms that I had been feeling, nausea, tiredness, etc., seemed to have stopped around 7 weeks. I started preparing mentally then for our next appointment, because I knew it wouldn’t be good news.
Unfortunately my gut instinct was right – at our next appointment, we were told that our baby had stopped developing. Needless to say we were heartbroken.
It was a difficult time. We have no family support in San Diego, so suddenly felt very isolated and homesick. But I am lucky that I have a wonderful group of friends here, and I would have been lost without them. I reached out and told them all what was happening, and spoke through it all. They were upset for me, didn’t know what to say or how to offer comfort or help. Some of them felt awkward talking about it. But I NEEDED to talk about it.
I think once they saw how I was coping with it, and ok about talking about it then they felt more comfortable. It was the therapy I needed. I had to go into hospital for a D&C procedure.
My husband wanted to accompany me but I went into practical mode, and decided it would be better for him to stay at home with our 3yr old. I was strong and felt in a good place mentally. That was until everyone at the hospital kept asking me who was with me, every time I said “nobody”, their faces would drop. The more they asked me the more I felt my strength dissipate. After having the same conversation with about 5 different people, I told one of the nurses to please make sure nobody else asked me.
Later, when they were confirming my personal details before bringing me through to the theatre, one nurse noticed that it was the day before my birthday – she was so sympathetic and expressed her sorrow that I was going through this the day before my birthday. Well that was when the floodgates opened and I started bawling. The nurse sat with me and talked with me and calmed me down.
Reflecting on this time, I realize now that I was portraying a strength to get me through the day.
But actually what I really needed was to let those emotions out and let that nurse comfort me.
In the weeks that followed I spoke about it a lot. All my family and friends knew what I had been through, but didn’t know how to broach the subject. I always brought it up, even though it was sometimes hard. Having the family and friends in your life understand how you feel and how they can support you, is a precious thing. Don’t shy away from the awkward conversation! And now that my due date is upon me I find I’m talking about it again.
It truly helps my state of mind. If you are going through this situation, I encourage you to talk about it. Talk openly, talk honestly. Don’t be afraid to cry, or not cry. Reach out and find a support group. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should be feeling. Don’t let anyone dismiss your loss, or tell you how common it is. A loss is a loss no matter how or when it happens.
If you have a friend or family member going through this, don’t be afraid to ask them questions. Follow their lead, be there for them emotionally and physically. For me, I know that the time wasn’t right for my baby to join our family. That sweet baby will come again soon when the time is right. And if the time is never right, I am lucky to experience motherhood and see the world through the eyes of my beautiful funny 3yr old girl!
Marion is originally from Dublin, Ireland and moved to San Diego with her husband and daughter in the summer of 2016. Previously a focused career driven woman, she is now adapting to the role of SAHM. She finds living in San Diego makes that role a lot more enjoyable and she loves exploring all that San Diego offers with her 3yr old sidekick. When she isn’t trying out new playgrounds or watching Trolls for the 50th time, she loves baking, crafting and DIY (although she’s not claiming to be amazingly good at any of these!). She also likes trying out new restaurants with her family, and enjoying a glass (or maybe two!) of wine. She loves to travel, open to new experiences and really enjoys meeting new people!