Victim Shaming is Real.


People wonder why victims, whether it being domestic violence or sexual assault, don’t come forward when the incident occurs. Well, let me tell you: There are a million reasons! Each victim has their own reasons. BUT, I can speak for myself. You always hope things will get better. You try to rationalize “why?” Why? I must have done this… I must have been triggered by that… I deserved it. 

In reality, No One! No man, nor woman, nor child “deserves” it!

I wanted to protect my attacker. I just wanted this incident, like all of our past ones, to become part of the past. I didn’t want this horrific ordeal to become some life-altering moment. But, sadly, even without the cops called or an investigation in the works, it does! It changes everything! No matter the outcome, the victim is always permanently scarred, even if just mentally.

Sadly in my case, my child had witnessed the last of these moments at the hands of the person who was supposed to love me. I did a great injustice to my child by not calling the police. 

Had I known then what I know now, I would always recommend: Make That Call! Seek Help! Don’t let the excuses put you in harm’s way. I didn’t set the right example for my little one. I forgot in the pain of that moment the signal I was sending to my little. What would I want my child to do?! 

Years later I’m still fighting through the pain and memories of that moment, and so is my child. This one moment in time gets brought up often inside and outside therapy. Worst is, my kid also blames themselves for not calling the police. 

This should never fall on our kids’ shoulders. We need to break this cycle of violence!

I thought by finally speaking out I was protecting my child and righting my wrongs. I feel the wound opening and this time we are losing family. I couldn’t imagine what it’s like in other situations, where women are risking careers, friends, and family. I thank God my situation isn’t being broadcasted on the main stage, social media can be painful enough. I see why victims hide and stuff it deep inside now. Victim blaming-shaming is real. 

My advice for other victims: Come forward when it happens. Try to lean on your rocks for support. Do it then. Don’t wait. If you think it’s too late, it never is! You never deserved it. I’m with you!

My advice for those 2nd or 3rd parties, don’t disregard. Don’t assume you know. Don’t think these are lies or attention seeking. Put yourself in their shoes and wonder how scared that person is to come forward. Offer a sympathetic ear. Offer space. Offer some bit of comfort, but whatever you do, don’t judge. Don’t attack. This victim has already hurt enough.

Stay strong.

Here are some local resources:

Domestic Violence-
 Sexual Assault-

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month and we are excited to be partnering with Home Start for the entire month of October.

San Diego Domestic Violence Stats
San Diego County has an estimated population of over three million residents, making it the second most populous county in California and fifth in the nation. The prevalence of domestic violence (DV) in the region is demonstrated by the number of incidents reported to San Diego County law enforcement. In 2017, a total of 17,306 DV incidents were reported to law enforcement, a 4 percent increase from 2016 (16,719)[1]. In a sample study of 100 DV incidents reported to the San Diego Sheriff Department, children were present in 37 percent of the cases[3].

How Home Start Helps
National data confirms Home Start’s experience that homelessness and DV are companion problems. Housing instability is four times more likely for women who have experienced DV compared to other women[2]. Of the young women who are homeless or at risk of homelessness and pregnant or parenting, served through Home Start’s current housing programs, approximately 100% have a history of experiencing and/or witnessing DV. Many have children, making DV a driving factor of the swelling population of homeless families in our region.

More Ways to Get Involved
We are so excited to be sponsoring the Home Start’s Hallo-Wine Fall Festival. Held each October in recognition of National Domestic Violence Awareness Monththe event raises funds to provide critical assistance to vulnerable children and families throughout San Diego County.


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